Self-Love Practices to Heal Your Heart
Some people come into our life to see us for a moment and then to let us go, imparting lessons, love and grief. This essay explores how to heal your heart by tapping into the ultimate power of self-love. It is at the core of human nature to desire love and to be truly seen.
The Science
Whether it was a long-term relationship, situationship or fling, it can be difficult to move on. In this section, we’ll explore the science behind relationships and letting go.
1) The Grief Cycle
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is a Swiss-American psychiatrist who developed the Five Stages of Grief. Loss includes death, divorce and breakup. Everybody processes grief differently. Some individuals may not go through every stage, some may take longer in each stage and this cycle can be repeated for days, weeks, months or years. (Source)
The Five Stages of Grief in Breakup:
Denial: difficulty processing the new reality
Anger: intense feelings of loss surface
Bargaining: rehashing past conversations and attempting to create alternate realities
Depression: absolute emptiness
Acceptance: no longer resisting and ready to move on
2) Oxytocin
Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter known as the “love hormone” which increases during intimacy, childbirth, and breast-feeding. Physical touch such as kissing, hand holding, hugging, and cuddling can also increase levels of oxytocin. Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus and scientifically, females have higher levels than males. Oxytocin creates feelings of empathy, love, contentment trust and bonding. (Source)
During initial stages of emotional attachment, oxytocin levels are higher as the relationship builds. Increase levels of oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine decrease feelings of stress, depression and anxiety. Oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine contribute to feelings of pleasure and happiness and these neurotransmitters light up the reward center in your brain. (Source)
When relationships end, a sharp decrease in these feel good neurotransmitters can lead to physical and emotional feelings of withdrawal and loss. The chemical change creates “cravings.” According to psychologist David Sbarra, oxytocin withdrawal “often feels like a withdrawal similar to that of cocaine” (Source). It’s important to combat these withdrawal symptoms with self-care, social support and compassion.
Increase Oxytocin Levels After a Breakup
Cuddle with your dog and gaze into their eyes
Listen to your favorite playlist
Hug a loved one
Get a massage
Movement practice and yoga
3) Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is a psychological theory first developed by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby which analyzes a person’s attachment style in relationships. Attachment develops in childhood in response to our dynamics with our caregivers and it can impact the way we approach relationships as adults.
The Four Attachment Styles
Secure attachment: ability to form secure and loving relationships which develops when caregivers are attuned to a child’s needs
Anxious-insecure attachment: a insecure attachment style marked by a fear of abandonment, insecurity, clinginess which develops when caregivers are inconsistent and unpredictable
Avoidant-insecure attachment: a insecure attachment style marked by fear of intimacy, distance and independence which develops when caregivers are dismissive and distant
Disorganized in-secure attachment: a combination of anxious and avoidant with a desire to be loved yet desire for space which develops when caregivers create a frightening or traumatizing environment
(Source)
It is possible to change your attachment style but it requires hard work and patience. Learn to love yourself first, get in touch with your needs.
The Reminders
1) You are Whole and Complete
Before this person came into your life, you were already whole and complete. Now that this person is gone, you are still whole and complete.
2) Perfection is an Illusion
Sometimes the briefest and most intense encounters are the most difficult to move past because in the honeymoon phase one year and under, everything seems “perfect.” Remind yourself that perfection is an illusion. Relationships require work and growth. A short relationship doesn’t always give you the opportunity to fall out of love before it’s over.
3) Lean into Support
Who can you call to cry and feel safe with? Sometimes solitude can be spiraling. Even if you don’t feel like it, reach out and remind yourself of the connections that are present in your life.
4) Be Vulnerable
Allow yourself to cry. Feeling your vulnerabilities and all your feelings helps you process the breakup in order to fully heal. When we open our heart, we crack it wide open to allow the other person inside. When it’s over, our heart needs time to slowly close. Cry and let it out.
5) Focus on Reality, Not Fantasy
Step into reality and pull yourself away from a fantasy future. It’s easy to envision a life you could have had with them. The thing about fantasy is that it isn’t real. Complications, arguments, and rifts are conveniently missing from the picture. Be wary of your imagination taking over and creating undue fantasy grief on top of grief in actuality.
6) It’s Okay to be Grateful
Although it hurts, remind yourself of all the great memories. You can be grateful for the experience and still mourn. Even though you’re cutting them out of your life, it doesn’t mean you have to let go of the lessons and positive experiences and adventures you’ve had together.
7) Lessons Learned
Everybody comes into your life for some purpose or reason. Although it’s painful now, what nectar can you discern from your experience? What did you learn?
8) You are still Worthy of Love
This isn’t the end of the road. You are still worthy of love. You are enough. Just because this didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that this is the end of the road. Think of your best friend. Your beautiful, talented, smart, and funny best friend who’s breakup completely baffled you. Almost everyone will be on the receiving end of a breakup. Find someone who matches your frequency. Don’t chase after somebody who doesn’t love you back. See affirmations below to negate negative internalized beliefs post-breakup.
The Practices
1) Routine
Structure out your days. Being distracted doing something you love will help you move on.
2) Prioritize Self-Care and Routine
Practice self-care and your daily routine, slowly carving them away from your life and stepping back into your power. Get a massage, go for a walk in the sunshine, clean out your entire house. Slowly, by living your life, they’ll fade into a distant memory. Time will heal all wounds.
3) Lean into Support
As we explored in the science section, serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin levels are lower leading to feelings of withdrawal and sadness. Find connection and meaning by calling a friend.
4) Cathartic Movement
Move your body — yoga, dance, run, breathe. Do something that makes you feel good. Tune into your breath, step into the present, and stop thinking about the past and future. It’s just you and your breath. Let it go.
My Favorite Movement Practices to Feel Everything or Nothing:
Alternate Nostril Breathing
Yoga Nidra
Running
5) Tune In
Place your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly, wrapping your arms like a cocoon around your torso. Close your eyes and observe your breath. Feel your heartbeat. Even though it might feel like your heart is breaking, your heart is still whole.
My Favorite Books Right Now:
This is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe — a short and sweet book on how to let go
Essays in Love by Alain de Botton — a philosophical exploration of the phenomenon called love
The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo — the title says it all
6) Continue Living
Live your life so fully that you slowly begin to live for yourself again. One day you won’t wake up and wish there was a good morning text. One day you won’t go to bed thinking about their body next to yours. One day, it won’t be so hard anymore. It won’t hurt to hear your song, to eat at the same restaurant or see something that reminds you of them; it’ll just be a memory.
7) Declutter
Focus on letting go physically, mentally and emotionally by creating space.
8) Journal
Process difficult emotions by journaling. See journal prompts below.
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The Journal Prompts
1) Learn
What lessons have your learned? What have you discovered about yourself?
What will you carry into your next relationship? What have your learned from this relationship? Perhaps how you wish to be treated and important boundaries to establish.
Practice mind flush journaling where you put pen to paper for a set duration of time. Don’t overthink it. Write and process all your thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment.
2) Process
What if you knew with absolute certainty that you would never find your soulmate? How would you continue to live your life? What adventures and chances would you take in your life? Would you live more fully? Travel more? One thing is for sure, you would not cease to exist because the love that’s within is more potent than any love that’s outside of yourself.
3) Accept
What is one thing you are looking forward to today, this week, this month and this year? Journal thoroughly and find gratitude in living life with yourself instead of spiraling into “what ifs.”
Furthermore, what are five things you love about yourself? Remind yourself of your worth instead of internalizing false beliefs about the breakup. Because this doesn’t work out doesn’t mean you are unlovable or undesirable.
The Affirmations
Take these affirmations in your mental toolkit and pull them out whenever thought spirals or negative thinking patterns start creeping in.
I am worthy of love.
I am enough.
I love and approve of myself.
The Closing Thoughts
1) Half in Love
When you know someone won’t hold your forevers, can you dive into the experience without expectations and attachments? Be careful with your heart and be clear on expectations from the beginning. Listen to words, see the actions and feel the emotions. There are always signs in a relationships. See what’s there instead of what you wish or imagine in order to protect your heart. Sometimes, people come into our lives and we can only fall half in love. These people come into our lives and we know there won’t be a forever. Instead, enjoy the whirlwind and learn to say goodbye.
2) Hello Again
And what do you do if they come back? Protect your energy if they come back into your life. Hold your heart in your hand and remember that you hold the power over your own thoughts and emotions. How many chances are you willing to give your heart before you say goodbye for good? Only you get to decide.
3) Goodbye
Say goodbye with an open heart. Instead of ruminating in bitterness and resentment, how can you say goodbye with an open heart, grateful for all that you have learned, discovered and shared?
4) Closing Chapter
It’s better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all (Alfred Lord Tennyson). Ultimately, this is a chapter of your life that you can always revisit in your memories. Just because this adventure is over, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t many more beautiful and exciting adventures to come. This moment is only temporary and these feelings are only temporary. When you’re ready to move on, there is more that awaits you.
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