What is Conscious Coupling
Conscious coupling is a term used to describe a type of relationship in which both partners are fully aware of their individual needs, desires, and boundaries, and are committed to communicating and working through issues in a constructive and healthy way.
Conscious coupling emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and communication in a relationship. It encourages partners to approach their relationship as a collaborative effort, where both parties work together to understand each other's needs and feelings and find mutually beneficial solutions to any issues that may arise.
Some of the key principles of conscious coupling include:
Honesty and transparency: Both partners are encouraged to be open and honest about their feelings, desires, and boundaries, and to communicate these to their partner in a respectful and compassionate way.
Self-awareness: Both partners are encouraged to take responsibility for their own emotional well-being and to be aware of their own needs and desires.
Empathy and compassion: Both partners are encouraged to empathize with each other's feelings and to approach any conflicts with compassion and understanding.
Collaborative problem-solving: Both partners are encouraged to work together to find solutions to any issues that arise in the relationship, rather than assigning blame or expecting the other person to solve the problem.
Conscious coupling provides a useful framework for building a healthy and fulfilling relationship with open communication, mutual respect and a collaborative approach to problem-solving.
Lessons I’ve learned from conscious coupling:
Don’t love someone for their potential. See them for who they truly are and choose to love them. Love is freedom — allow them to change and grow themselves without needing to withhold love so they do change.
Love isn’t withholding. Love them exactly for who they are. Let go of the list of “shoulds.” Often, we were taught as children that we were only loved if love was withheld and we changed or did something. We are each valuable individuals and worthy of accepting love. This goes back to our old programming where as children we were punished or love was withheld to get us to change — don’t do this to a partner to get them to change.
We are often replaying our most difficult parental relationship — it’s important to do the healing work when you notice this arise.
What you focus on in a relationship grows. Focus on the positive of what they are doing, not what they aren’t doing. Notice what you appreciate in the relationship so they feel enough.
Anxious and avoidant attachment systems are naturally drawn towards each other, yet are a difficult pairing.
It’s important to take care of your own needs first in order to be able to receive love.
Communicate what your needs are and how you wish to be treated. It’s better to see how someone reacts to a need rather than a protest behavior.
Even when you’re in a relationship, keep doing the work.
Don’t compare your relationship with any one else’s. Every relationship has its own issues, journey and timeline. You can’t compare the beginning of your love story with a decade long partnership. Instead of focusing your attention outward, focus your attention inward on how you’re feeling.
Be warm — speak with an open heart.
Only you can truly make yourself feel peaceful, happy, whole and complete. Do inner child healing work instead of projecting your needs onto other people. A securely attached partner can be an immense asset to your healing work, but ultimately it’s up to you.
Let go of control and try to go with the flow. If you’re living in the pain of past relationship traumas or a fear of the future without this individual, you miss out on living the beauty of the moment with them. This fear and worry takes you away from this moment and does nothing to prevent a future where they are no longer in it. Anxiety is living too far in the future and depression is living too far in the past. Living in the past and the future don’t prevent the present issues from happening. If you worry constantly that your partner will leave you, it won’t stop this from happening and you’ll have to go through the pain again. Let go of worry and the worse case scenarios.
The relationship isn’t just about you — they need to feel loved, accepted and valued as well. Have conversations to check in with the relationship.
Work on your internal belief systems first — if you don’t believe you’re worthy of love, it will be difficult to receive love. You are inherently worthy of love. You are enough. Be careful of negative confirmation biases where you’re searching for proof in the relationship that you are unlovable and unworthy. This can take a toll on the both of you. This goes back to needing to do our own healing work.
Take some pressure and expectations off of the person— everyone just wants to be accepted. Instead of willing someone to change, see if you can accept them from who they are. Think about when there was pressure for you to change — it makes you defend yourself and creates tension around the issue. If you can accept them, they’ll feel less of a need to defend themselves and you’ll be able to hear each other from a place of love. Often if you are being triggered, it could be an old wound from the past that needs to be addressed.
Let go of “if they loved me they would [blank].”
Be clear on the values you want in your partner — it’s more important that the person is loyal, supportive, kind, consistent, empathetic etc than can do things that you see in the media or in other idealized relationships.
People have different ways that they like to connect — ask them how they like to connect and find time for both of you to feel emotionally and physically connected.
Remember to have empathy for both yourself and the other. When you do have disagreements, remember that you are on the same team. It’s you vs. the problem; not, you vs. them.
You never have to qualify for anyone’s love. Your imperfections don’t disqualify you from love. We might attract people whom we think we have to earn their love. Be careful when you notice similar patterns showing up.
It’s impossible to get everyone to like you and it’s not necessary. You don’t like everyone either.
People need inner peace, safety, love, belonging and connection. Do emotional check-ins to make sure that you’re not emotionally draining those around you.
It doesn’t need to be deep all the time — invite in levity and silliness. Don’t get stuck in a certain mood or the version they see you as.
Remember to say thank you.
Lessons I’ve learned from conscious [un]coupling:
Distill reality from potential. It’s easy to remember the promise of potential when you’re feeling lonely. Take a moment to write a list to invite clarity into your thoughts.
Love isn’t a race and it isn’t a game. If you’re worried that your person will change for someone else, know that there is no guarantee. We can only wear a mask for so long.
You didn’t lose any value when this person walked out of your life. Build your life so that when someone leaves, you are still strong and capable.
Remember that their path is now different and separate from yours when you feel jealous or sad about the next person in their life. The next person is going to receive the whole of who they are, flaws including.
Be careful in your words and complaints regarding your relationship. Words are energy and negative energy over time can weigh down your relationship.
Oftentimes, our relationships are a mirror for a core wound or need that needs to be addressed inside of ourselves.
If a relationship is turbulent, it’s often because we are unconsciously trying to solve issues from our most turbulent relationship with a primary caregiver.
After the uncoupling, their journey now becomes separate from yours. Resist the urge to check on their social media. If you do discover that they have quickly moved on, remember that their new partner is still going to get all parts of them. They won’t have miraculously changed into a different person for them. And if they have, the mask only lasts so long.
Everyone is on their own journey to find a loving relationship. It isn’t a race and if they do enter a relationship before you, it in no way decreases your value or takes away from the possibility of you finding love. Focus on healing yourself and deepening your relationship with yourself so that you stand strong in and out of a relationship.
If your partner does find a younger or more attractive partner quickly, it doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever or that you’re invaluable. No one can take your value away. Lovingly block them so you’re not tempted to look and compare. Resist the urge to compare yourself with your friends and the people around you, knowing that we’re all on our own journey.
Let go of a scarcity mindset. There are more wonderful people in the world.
Remember, you have a 100% success rate of surviving breakups, you’ve got this and you will survive this.
Even if the pain feels unimaginable, you’ll be ok. All we can do is be thankful for the good experiences and memories that you do have.
You can’t go back in time and change anything so let go of the blame game. You did the best you could in that time frame with the tools that you did have. We’re all doing our best that we can.
If there was cheating: Cheating isn’t a reflection of your worth. Nobody is better or worse than the other. We’re all searching for love in our own way. Sometimes people aren’t compatible and that’s ok. Remember that pure love lives inside of you.
Avoidant individuals are more likely to quickly enter into the dating pool again after separation.
Differentiate between emotional and physical safety.
Pheromones release a certain scent which can be intoxicating and make you feel safe. This makes it difficult to bond and seek comfort from others after uncoupling. Eventually, you will reset and your scents and senses will return.
When we receive a message from a loved on, it’s a dopamine hit for the brain. When this goes away during uncoupling, it’s a form of dopamine withdrawal. Instead of seeking further external validation and love, focus on things that bring you joy in your life.
Focus on the actions, not just the words. When the words they are saying are inconvenient to them, then listen carefully.
You cannot control anyone’s actions, thoughts or feelings. You can’t make anyone like you. This isn’t your responsibility.
Be conscious of the advice and information you take in from other people. People give advice depending on their past relationship traumas, their own suffering and their own viewpoints. Not everyone is looking out for your best interest. Surround yourself with your sacred crew and only listen to those who you trust.
Letting go of future plans that never came into fruition can be difficult. Create new memories for yourself.
See them for who they truly are, not through the lens of who they could be with their potential. They showed you the version they were willing to be with you.
Sometimes the best thing for love is to let go if you’re incompatible.
The right person, by default, wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with them. They would never intentionally make you feel this sad, empty, hollow, anxious, abandoned or alone. Ask yourself how a loved one should treat you and see if these are in alignment.
If you do choose to rebuild after a conscious uncoupling, go slowly and with care.
Your relationship didn’t define you and it doesn’t now. What are you passionate about? Where can you build up your life? What activities can you add into your life?
Relationships are a beautiful way to discover yourself and another. Often, people hold a mirror up to ourselves where we get a chance to do our greatest and most profound healing work. Ultimately, the most important relationship you have is with yourself. Deepen your love for yourself and give love away openly, yet with care.